I AM ELLIS

Welcome to my world.

Ellis Gainsboro

—The Crawl

Cover of an old Placebo song.

:/

It’s Mother’s Day.

Yeah, I’m drinking.

Cheat day…

Ok, so, after having nearly a week with no drinking, then drinking last night, I’ve realized: Yeah, it’s not really worth it.

Being sober is way better, so I’m just not going to do the alcohol cheat day thing. Cheat day for food, sure, but not for booze.

It’s harder, but it’s better.

Cheat day

I made a whole lot of tamales, and my manpanion came home with wine last night.

Soooooo, yeah, I indulged. A lot. Omfg.

I know that a lot of people on diets allow themselves a “cheat day”, so I think I am going to go along with that too. Probably not for long, because once I get over this withdrawal grossness, I’m done. Also, if I start exercising regularly, cheat days won’t be as devastating, calorie-wise.

So yeah, Thursday = cheat day.

Sober days are SO LONG and they can be filled with so many things! So this is how people can cram their days so full of activities!

I’ve had lots of girl-chat time with one of my most favorite dudes over the past two days, and seriously, it feels like I’ve spent a week with him, just because we covered so much and did so many things.

I had an almost-normal sleep last night. 9:30pm-2:45am, then I stayed up for an hour, then slept again from 3:45am-7am.

It felt really nice.

~~

I listened to a really relevant podcast that talked about addiction, creativity and lots of other things: http://www.radiolab.org/2011/mar/08/

It was really good, and it gave me some things to think about!

Small thing!

Yesterday was the first time in years that I stayed up all day like a regular person. It felt really strange.

I kind of wonder if I have self-inflicted SAD because of my chronic insomnia.

two things.

Body thing: I’ve lost five pounds so far. TMI TMI TMI To be fair, a lot of that was due to constipation TMI TMI TMI, but whatever.

~~

Mind thing: Had a nice chat with a friend who is looking for love. He said he doesn’t want to be lonely anymore, and said that he wanted the type of relationship that I have with my SO.

I told him that fulfilling relationships don’t necessarily negate loneliness. My relationship is amazing and wonderful and loving and perfect in so many ways, but I am still lonely. There is a part of me that is always going to be lonely. I am just a lonely type of person. It’s how I was raised, how I perceive the world, and how I interact with the world. I am always coming from a place of loneliness, even though my life is filled with the most genuine, caring, reciprocal, and loving relationships with the most amazing people.

You see, the thing in me that is lonely, is not sated or filled by relationships with people. But I have found a way to not feel that loneliness anymore.

The emptiness in people that is usually filled by other people, in me, is filled by art.

When I am making art, I am not alone. I am complete.

drinks

I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in 4 days. This is the longest I’ve lasted in over a year.

I started drinking coffee again. It is helping me in many ways.

I can’t wait for my new 5 inch Lodge skillet to get here. It will be for the eggs that I just added back into my diet, as all my other cast iron is strictly vegan.

Decent sleep didn’t happen

Today is oatmeal, light exercise, water, henna and Katamari Damacy music day.

Tomorrow will be walk and paint and podcasts day.

I want to do a whole bunch of things all at once and just have my life instantly be better, but it soooooooo doesn’t work that way. Making a bunch of dramatic changes all at once can lead to a pretty spectacular crash and burn.

I’ll have to ease myself into it.